Arrr, seems like I've, for one reason or another, fallen pray to this thing.
But, to me- well- it's still not a Myspace, so I don't feel quite so guilty about it.
It's still a selfish, self-promoting sort of idea, no matter how you play it, but it seemed appropriate, you know?
Sometimes things just fit into what you're doing.
And what I am doing is feeling isolated and restless, and unable to settle. Talking to yourself often eases such feelings.
What all brought this on was Carrie and I discussing that uncontrollable social beast of the Myspace community, and how people just are friends for the sake of having friends. And that iked me a bit, so I went through my own buddylist on AIM, not wanting to be hypocritical about disdain left for people who collect aquiantences (spelling, I know.) just for appearance's sake, or to assauge (assuage?) their own feelings of friendlessness, and took the list from 67 down to 19.
That's a hell of a leap, no?
Well- it brought this to my attention: I've quite simply run out of friends. (I mean close friends- not casual ones, everyone has tons of those.)
All of them have had their reasons, or were never more than casual friends, people I'd spend time with or confide in.
It would seem that I am down to Kyle (my boyfriend) and Carrie (my best friend) for habitual time together.
Though- hopefully I will be spending more time with Robby, Ben, and Alastair once I get some free time on my hands.
But- it just looks to me like through various spats, fallings-out, driftings-apart, and happenstance, I've wound up in a very lonely place.
I don't blame anyone for that, because, people are how they are- relationships change and alter subtly (or not so subtly) between people all the time... and as such, people also fall apart, lose touch, etc, etc.
Paul and I repaired our ailing friendship... so that's brought one more back to my side.
But, looking around all the people I talk to, or associate with in school and the like- once summer hits- its like they vanish from the world, and the population shrinks mightily.
Sure, their are superficial friends, the people you know through other people and have no real connection to, or people you party with, but don't spend any real time with, but in the long run, what will that bring you?
Perhaps a few regrets here and there, or a question left unanswered, but no lasting memories or companionship.
Sheesh, I sound like a forty year old woman, not a seventeen year old girl.
It's summer- I'm supposed to be dashing about in the whirl of activity that is an extended school holiday.
But, my time goes by sluggishly, or far too quickly- most of my time spent sleeping or at work.
I find blessed relief in Kyle's arms, having someone with whom I can talk, laugh, play, all of the silly things- but also take part in a serious relationship.
Forgive the cliche- but things are different with him than they have been with all of the others.)
And sometimes, far less often than I would like (due to conflicting scheds,) Carrie and I spend some time together, here and there, and that is a time for silliness, mindless entertainment, and enjoyment of one another's prescence.
I suppose this feeling of lethargy and loneliness will pass, after all, I do have my books. The written word has always been a refuge of sorts.
Ah, the first entry in this thing and it is already full of bemoanings and woe-is-mes.
But-perhaps-as my mood shifts and time slithers inexorably (sp?) onward, something new will arise. We shall see, my dears, we shall see.